Brokenlegged again

It happened again.
Every time I start going forward in faith, something seems to knock me flat.

This time has been different though, it is turning into a time of incredible refreshment, release and growth.

Those divine paradoxes at work again!

Towards the end of October I became unwell and virtually unable to function. A few trips to the doctor and blood tests later I was put on some meds which have improved things for me apart from still struggling to stay awake if I stop moving.

So, in this really low time, I've 'gained' an entire support network which I hadn't previously realised I had, as well as making new friends along the way. My thought processing has altered greatly too - theological reflection isn't half as traumatic as it used to be, so that now, I really can use it to good effect.

My biggest concern was how my ill health would affect me regarding the Reader ministry on which I've just embarked, and well - there was no need to worry as it's possibly grown somewhat!

With the help of a fellow conspirator, we even managed to arrange the 'Evangelicaditional' service I've been threatening to do at my very low Anglican home church all year!

Shock, horror - we used candles, icons AND incense, but it's okay, I think we got away with it!

I was asked yesterday whether I had any New Years resolutions and I was totally honest when I answered no, since I know everything that needs to happen in my life simply will.

God is infinitely good!

The woman, the water, the way...

A great meditation on the ebb and flow of spiritual life based on the experience of Teresa of Avila and the four stages of prayer.

Let nothing disturb thee;
Let nothing dismay thee:
All thing pass;
God never changes.
Patience attains
All that it strives for.
He who has God
Finds he lacks nothing:
God alone suffices

As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul for You, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
 
My tears have been my food day and night,
While they continually say to me, “Where is your God?”
       
When I remember these things, I pour out my soul within me. 
For I used to go with the multitude;
I went with them to the house of God, 
with the voice of joy and praise, with a multitude that kept a pilgrim feast.
       
Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance.

O my God, my soul is cast down within me;
Therefore I will remember You from the land of the Jordan,
and from the heights of Hermon, from the Hill Mizar.
 
Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls;
All Your waves and billows have gone over me.
 
The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime,
And in the night His song shall be with me - A prayer to the God of my life.
       
I will say to God my Rock, “Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
 
As with a breaking of my bones, my enemies reproach me,
while they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God.

Psalm 42

Bible Sunday

Today is Bible Sunday and in Church, we listened to a sermon based upon the following words which are used during the coronation service as the monarch is presented with a copy of the Bible:

Our gracious Queen:

to keep your Majesty ever mindful of the law and the Gospel of God

as the Rule for the whole life and government of Christian Princes,

we present you with this Book,

the most valuable thing that this world affords.

Here is Wisdom;

This is the royal Law;

These are the lively Oracles of God.

The preacher wondered how many Christians would answer ‘the Bible’ if asked the question ‘What is your most valuable possession?’

A question to challenge us all! Perhaps the words of the hedonistic Lord Henry Wotton in Oscar Wilde’s ‘The Picture of Dorian Grey’ might ring true for many – that people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

But if the most valuable thing in the life of a Christian – the Word of God – is thus devalued, then what will be the effect of every other aspect of the Christian’s life which is meant to be based upon that Word? If we fail to value our values and the things upon which we base them, surely those values become irrelevant and we are doomed to devalue every other part of our life.

"Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path." Psalm 119:105

Sacrifices

All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country — a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them...

And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were put to death by stoning; they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated — the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.

These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. Hebrews 11:13-16;32-40

Relentless Living (and dying?!)

I was licensed as a Reader on Sunday - an incredible experience which will stay with me always. It was in one sense an ending - the end of my 'formal' training for the ministry but this seems to have been overshadowed by a much larger image of beginning.

Now begins even more training, both academic and in 'hands-on' ministry. I'm not going to be doing much other than I was already doing before but here's the odd thing - I suddenly have that feeling once more of not knowing where I'm headed! I get the sense that there's more in store than I originally bargained for when I began my training.

And now the wise words of my tutor make full sense - if I should ever say I'm ready for ministry, then is the time to give it up...

I guess I'll just have to throw myself once more into God's hands - as if I could ever escape them! The following prayer by Michel Quoist is close to where I'm at.

Help me to say “Yes”

I am afraid of saying “Yes,” Lord.
Where will you take me?
I am afraid of drawing the longer straw,
I am afraid of signing my name to an unread agreement,
I am afraid of the “yes” that entails other “yeses.”
And yet I am not at peace.

You pursue me, Lord, you besiege me.
I seek out the din for fear of hearing you,
but in a moment of silence you slip through.
I turn from the road, for I have caught sight of you,
but at the end of the path you are there awaiting me.

Where shall I hide?
I meet you everywhere.
Is it then impossible to escape you?

But I am afraid to say “Yes,” Lord.
I am afraid of putting my hand in yours, for you hold on to it.
I am afraid of meeting your eyes, for you can win me.
I am afraid of your demands, for you are a jealous God.

I am hemmed in, yet I hide.
I am captured, yet I struggle, and I fight knowing that I am defeated.
For you are the stronger, Lord,
you own the world and you take it from me.

When I stretch out my hand to catch hold of people and things,
they vanish before my eyes.

It’s no fun, Lord,
I can’t keep anything for myself.
The flower I pick fades in my hands.
My laugh freezes on my lips.
The waltz I dance leaves me restless and uneasy.

Everything seems empty,
Everything seems hollow,
You have made a desert around me.
I am hungry and thirsty,
And the whole world cannot satisfy me.

O Lord, I am afraid of your demands,
but who can resist you?
That your Kingdom may come and not mine,
That your will may be done and not mine,
Help me to say “Yes.”

'But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.' 2 Corinthians 12:9

Ignatius of Antioch

Today the Church remembers Ignatius of Antioch, Bishop and martyr. This extract from his letter to the Romans, written as he was being taken to Rome to face martyrdom shows his single-minded devotion to his Lord.

"No earthly pleasures, no kingdoms of this world can benefit me in any way. I prefer death in Christ Jesus to power over the farthest limits of the earth. He who died in place of us is the one object of my quest. He who rose for our sakes is my one desire. The time for my birth is close at hand. Forgive me, my brothers. Do not stand in the way of my birth to real life; do not wish me stillborn. My desire is to belong to God. Do not, then, hand me back to the world. Do not try to tempt me with material things. Let me attain pure light. Only on my arrival there can I be fully a human being. Give me the privilege of imitating the passion of my God. If you have him in your heart, you will understand what I wish. You will sympathize with me because you will know what urges me on.

The prince of this world is determined to lay hold of me and to undermine my will which is intent on God. Let none of you here help him; instead show yourselves on my side, which is also God’s side. Do not talk about Jesus Christ as long as you love this world. Do not harbor envious thoughts. And supposing I should see you, if then I should beg you to intervene on my behalf, do not believe what I say. Believe instead what I am now writing to you. For though I am alive as I write to you, still my real desire is to die. My love of this life has been crucified, and there is no yearning in me for any earthly thing. Rather within me is the living water which says deep inside me: “Come to the Father.” I no longer take pleasure in perishable food or in the delights of this world. I want only God’s bread, which is the flesh of Jesus Christ, formed of the seed of David, and for drink I crave his blood, which is love that cannot perish."

A Martyr's Prayer.

Nearer to Thee, oh God, nearer to Thee I do come; ever closer to Thee I do come.
When in all things I do fail; and suffering and the agony of pain do beset me; I will find comfort by drawing nearer to Thee, oh God.

When the oppressors of the world do gather around me and divide my worldly possessions among themselves, yea even if my life they do seek to take; I will find comfort by drawing nearer to Thee, oh God, nearer to Thee.

If I be cast down and trodden under the feet of men and there be no one to help me; I will find comfort by drawing nearer to Thee, oh God; nearer to Thee.

When all hope is gone and all my aspirations are dashed to pieces and my future seems bleak; I will find comfort by drawing nearer to Thee, oh God, nearer to Thee. Amen!

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I that live, but Christ living in me: and that life which I now live in the flesh I live in faith, the faith which is in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself up for me." Galatians 2:20

Laundry List of Life

Written by Regina Brett of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11 . Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift...

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

'Angry' God revisited

Richard Beck's exploration of the Book of Revelation was really enlightening. Certainly different to the more usual study of the symbolism and what it might signify.

He's been studying a book by Michael Gorman titled Reading Revelation Responsibly. He suggests that taking the book as a whole instead, with the Lamb of God as the central figure helps us to better understand the violent imagery including God's wrath and judgement.

Maybe if we can begin to get our heads around the apparent conflict between God's love and wrath by looking at this final book of the Bible, then there might be some reconciliation between the God of the Old and New Testaments.

Beck concludes his blog post with these observations:

And yet, we shouldn't rob God of God's rage in the process. In our worries about others misinterpreting the "war of heaven" we shouldn't turn God into milquetoast. We need to allow God's rage to meet our own. Otherwise, Christianity loses its eschatological character and reduces to a bland form of liberal humanism.

Yes, this is a balancing act. If the rage of God is separated from the Agnus Dei we have some problems, problems conservative Christians often succumb to. But on the other side, liberal Christians are tempted to temper the rage of God, almost as if they are embarrassed that God actually cares about evil in the world.

To be biblical, we need both sides of the equation.

We keep the Agnus Dei firmly in view. And we allow God to rage.

Amen!

Forever is our today...

There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away
From us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever....?

There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?
Who dares to love forever?
When love must die

But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today
Who waits forever anyway?

These lyrics convey such a powerful message - one of frustration at life being such a bitch at times, it snatches away our future, our dreams, often without warning. Entwined with this frustration however, is a cry of defiance, a cry which shouts "You can't snatch the here and now from us!"

At the very bottom line, the present moment is all we have. The past is an unalterable shadow, the future is an illusion, a dream which might or might not come true. The only time in existence is now - oh hang on, there it just went!

Where does this leave the religious idea of an afterlife? I don't know. Maybe in the context of the eternal now, we're already there but don't know it yet.

"I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life. I tell you the truth, a time is coming and has now come when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God and those who hear will live." John 5: 24-25

The beauty of grace is...

'And of His fullness we have all received, and grace for grace. For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.' John 1:16-17

Pastoral care but at what price?

Religion supports nobody.  It has to be supported.  It produces no wheat, no corn; it ploughs no land; it fells no forests.  It is a perpetual mendicant.  It lives on the labors of others, and then has the arrogance to pretend that it supports the giver.  Robert G. Ingersoll

This quote seems quite relevant to my experiences of the last couple of days.  Yesterday, a teaching session I attended raised the question of whether there is such a thing as Christian pastoral ministry – to the tutor’s surprise methinks, several of us said ‘No’.  I can’t think why it was surprising.  Whilst we’d listed a plethora of activities, services and support networks which operate from churches, none of them, apart from those based around liturgy, could be called specifically Christian.  Basically, all we do is stick the ‘Christian’ brand name on a generic ‘product'.

And what of the provision of this ‘pastoral care’?  It takes money to fund it, the financial contributions of those for whom the care is provided, however it seems that the contributions of the people are being used more to prop up the institution than to provide that care; this was brought home to me quite forcefully having overheard a conversation I wish I hadn’t.

My conclusion - Ingersoll may have been quite right!

Maybe its time the institutional monster was ripped down, religious labels done away with and pastoral care became once more – just that, a generic product of humanity.

And the word of the LORD came to me, saying, “Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel, prophesy and say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD to the shepherds: “Woe to the shepherds of Israel who feed themselves! Should not the shepherds feed the flocks?  You eat the fat and clothe yourselves with the wool; you slaughter the fatlings, but you do not feed the flock. The weak you have not strengthened, nor have you healed those who were sick, nor bound up the broken, nor brought back what was driven away, nor sought what was lost; but with force and cruelty you have ruled them.  So they were scattered because there was no shepherd; and they became food for all the beasts of the field when they were scattered.  My sheep wandered through all the mountains, and on every high hill; yes, My flock was scattered over the whole face of the earth, and no one was seeking or searching for them.”  Ezekiel 34:1-6

Prayer for the week

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Thomas Merton

The ultimate indignity?

I've been unfriended on Facebook!

I suspect I'm supposed to be devastated, to send my now ex-friend a message asking them why I've been subjected to such treatment - which came rather swiftly following a frank text message conversation.  I'm supposed to apologise for my misdemeanour and beg their friendship back.  It's not going to happen.

Not many months ago, I would have been all the above, but not now.  It's not that I've grown callous, cynical or insensitive.  I've simply grown less gullible.  I'm secure enough to allow others to walk away without feeling the need to beat myself up - which only added to the initial pain of loss.  Their decision is their own.

I do still care deeply what happens to this friend, but for now at least, I have to let them go.  Maybe one day they will understand.

"Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
One who is full loathes honey, but to one who is hungry everything bitter is sweet."

Proverbs 25: 5-7

A Beautiful Service

Its been a week of funerals for me, but amid the loss and sadness, there has been some new growth in my life.  For the first funeral, the coffin was brought into church the night before for a short service of prayers.  It was a beautiful, simple service, as was the actual funeral the next day.  It seemed to be extra special as the interment took place in the churchyard too, as opposed to undergoing a further journey elsewhere.

I’m not good at funerals; I usually end up an emotional wreck – which isn’t ideal considering that I may sometime in the near future be asked to preside at these services.  I talked over this with the Reader who led this first funeral.  He spoke about how wonderful it is to take funerals and what a privilege it is too.  Something clicked in my thinking during that conversation – I also see funerals as beautiful, even if sad occasions, so what is it about them which seems to upset me so much?

I knew it was nothing to do with death or any apparent hopelessness of the occasion, it isn’t even the sadness.  It wasn’t until I thought about exactly when during funerals I begin to ‘lose it’ that it dawned on me – it is when I see the coffin actually being carried – for the rest of the service I’ll be fine. 

It struck me that the final act of kindness and love that one can perform for a loved one is to bear them to their final resting place…

It’s the beauty of witnessing this simple act which moves me to tears.

Following the second funeral of the week, I was chatting with a work colleague – one who has never ‘darkened the doors of a church’ in their life.  I mentioned that I might be presiding at funerals in the near future to which, with eyes lit up and a big smile and (I confess) to my great surprise, they replied “That will be fantastic, it must be so great to do such a beautiful service.”  When I aired the concern about my ‘emotional suitability’ they gave me a very practical viewpoint – they actually think it wouldn’t matter all that much – in fact, it might be helpful to a grieving family to see that the person taking the service can show compassion with them.  The jury is still out on this final point but on the whole, what useful insights I’ve gained this week – so much so that I actually don’t feel as nervous about funerals any more.

On Loving God

Today, the Church remembers Bernard of Claivaux.  Whilst studying for my theology degree, I had to read and review his work 'On Loving God'.  For a relatively short work, it certainly carries a lot of clout!  It can be read online or downloaded in various formats here, it is quite heavy-going in parts but I'd definitely recommend it.

This is part of the final chapter - a kind of summary of the rest of Bernard's work:

"Nevertheless, since we are carnal and are born of the lust of the flesh, it must be that our desire and our love shall have its beginning in the flesh.  But rightly guided by the grace of God through these degrees, it will have its consummation in the spirit: for that was not first which is spiritual but that which is natural; and afterward that which is spiritual (1 Cor 15.46).  And we must bear the image of the earthy first, before we can bear the image of the heavenly.

At first, man loves himself for his own sake. That is the flesh, which can appreciate nothing beyond itself. Next, he perceives that he cannot exist by himself, and so begins by faith to seek after God, and to love Him as something necessary to his own welfare. That is the second degree, to love God, not for God’s sake, but selfishly.  But when he has learned to worship God and to seek Him aright, meditating on God, reading God’s Word, praying and obeying His commandments, he comes gradually to know what God is, and finds Him altogether lovely.  So, having tasted and seen how gracious the Lord is (Ps 34.8), he advances to the third degree, when he loves God, not merely as his benefactor but as God. Surely he must remain long in this state; and I know not whether it would be possible to make further progress in this life to that fourth degree and perfect condition wherein man loves himself solely for God’s sake. Let any who have attained so far bear record; I confess it seems beyond my powers. Doubtless it will be reached when the good and faithful servant shall have entered into the joy of his Lord (Matt 25.21), and been satisfied with the plenteousness of God’s house (Ps 36.8). For then in wondrous wise he will forget himself and as if delivered from self, he will grow wholly God’s."

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.  We love because he first loved us."  1 John 4: 18-19

The dark tunnel without the light at the end...

"Street Spirit' is our purest song, but I didn't write it. It wrote itself. We were just its messengers; its biological catalysts. Its core is a complete mystery to me, and, you know, I wouldn't ever try to write something that hopeless. All of our saddest songs have somewhere in them at least a glimmer of resolve. 'Street Spirit' has no resolve. It is the dark tunnel without the light at the end. It represents all tragic emotion that is so hurtful that the sound of that melody is its only definition...

Our fans are braver than I to let that song penetrate them, or maybe they don't realise what they're listening to. They don't realise that 'Street Spirit' is about staring the fucking devil right in the eyes, and knowing, no matter what the hell you do, he'll get the last laugh. And it's real, and true. The devil really will get the last laugh in all cases without exception, and if I let myself think about that too long, I'd crack."  Thom Yorke

... he still won't get the very last laugh though.

Living sacrifices

"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.  And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."  Romans 12: 1-2

What does it really mean when Christians are asked to present themselves as 'living sacrifices'?

This powerful illustration by Simon Guillebaud speaks for itself.

Mercy

I'm a big fan of Simon's Cat.  Besides the on the surface humour, you can sometimes catch some great 'moral' stories.  This particular cartoon makes me reflect on mercy - both God's toward me and how mine should be towards others.

I think there might also be an element of how I like playing cat and 'mouse' with God in there somewhere too!

"For as the heavens are high above the earth,  So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
As far as the east is from the west,  So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
As a father pities his children,  So the LORD pities those who fear Him."  Psalm 103: 11-13

Transfiguration of a different kind

Peter  "Wow, this is fab, lets make tents!"

Jesus  "No need, we're not staying here.  There's work to be done down in the valleys, then off to another mountain - where there will be two criminals for company instead of Moses and Elijah, where the transfiguration will be not to glorious transcendent light, but to a subhuman, shamed and bloodied pulp ... Pick up your cross and follow me..."

"But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.  To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen."  1 Peter 5: 10-11

Science and religion?

"Human creativity is astounding. In organic chemistry there comes a point when someone comes up with a truly unique way to solve a problem – skipping over several steps in a synthetic pathway to make a compound in a truly elegant way. It all fits into place and makes such sense all of a sudden. How can people do that? This is not simply a survival skill – somehow we can understand these complex reactions, and use them to make new products. The chemist’s joy at the elegance and beauty of the solution is also worth thinking about. Beauty in chemistry? The simplicity of the solution, the symmetry and the mathematical elegance of the equations could all be called beautiful."

I just love these observations by Ruth Bancewicz on her blog - Science and Belief.

I originally trained as a colour chemist/physicist - when it comes to making colours, there's only the finest margin between the chemistry and the physics. I remember being awestruck at exploring all the different theories of what light is and how it can be split into the colours of the spectrum. Colour chemistry was also what got me initially interested in quantum theories as I puzzled over additive and subtractive colour mixing - is black always black - or can it be white at the same time? The idea of colour being described in three dimensions and mapped in a sphere... such thoughts and questions flooded my mind!

Then there was the 'fun' of trying to find the molecular structure of a dye that nobody else had yet discovered - one atomic group in the wrong place, or facing the wrong direction and you go from a potential success to abject failure!

I'm still working as a chemist now, but in food technology.  Instead of designing and creating beauty, I spend most of my working days destroying delicious looking products!  I use chemistry to break down food products into their basic components in order to analyse and quantify the particular chemicals I'm looking for. This too is fascinating and having seen that most food isn't really made of much 'stuff' at all, my interest in quantum theory has increased.

But in spite of my fascination for the scientific, I'm not an atheist. The fact that I'm aware of the intricacies of molecular structures, coupled with seeing that something 'solid' can be broken down into virtually 'nothing' only serves to strengthen my belief that all that exists cannot have been formed by accident or chance. So call me mad if you like - I'm happy to be in the ranks of mad scientists - who've often made amazing and life-changing discoveries!

"Surely men of low degree are a vapour, men of high degree are a lie;
If they are weighed on the scales, they are altogether lighter than vapour."
Psalm 62:9

Ramadhan

Surat 1 (Al-Fātiĥah)

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
Praise be to Allah, the Cherisher and Sustainer of the worlds;
Most Gracious, Most Merciful;
Master of the Day of Judgment.
Thee do we worship, and Thine aid we seek.
Show us the straight way,
The way of those on whom Thou hast bestowed Thy Grace, those whose (portion) is not wrath, and who go not astray.
Āmīn


Abu Hurairah reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said:

“Allah, the Exalted and Glorious stated: I am near to the thought of My servant as he thinks about Me, and I am with him as he remembers Me. And if he remembers Me in his heart, I also remember him in My Heart, and if he remembers Me in assembly I remember him in assembly, better than his (remembrance), and if he draws near Me by the span of a palm, I draw near him by a cubit, and if he draws near Me by a cubit I draw near him by the space (covered by) two arms. And if he walks towards Me, I rush towards him.” (Hadith from Sahih Muslim & Bukhari)

The seven aspects of Dhikr (remembrance)

Dhikr of the eyes, which consists in weeping
Dhikr of the ears, which consists in listening
Dhikr of the tongue, which consists in praise
Dhikr of the hands, which consists in giving
Dhikr of the body, which consists in loyalty
Dhikr of the heart, which consists in fear and hope
Dhikr of the spirit, which consists of utter submission and acceptance.

Surat 114 (An-Nās)

Say: I seek refuge in the Lord of mankind,
The King of mankind,
The god of mankind,
From the evil of the sneaking whisperer,
Who whispereth in the hearts of mankind,
Of the jinn and of mankind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lord God, Alpha and Omega
Be the beginning and end of all that we are and do.
Amen.

Remembering

Remembering a dear friend and gentle soul, man of peace.
We don't know what really happened but the truth will be known to all someday.
Walk on.



'Let children walk with Nature, let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as beautiful as life.' John Muir

More thoughts on belonging (or not)

I've been quite torn between two different churches for the past few months - one being my 'home' church and the other the church I was sent on placement. We were told by our course tutor that it isn't unusual for students to leave their home churches after their placement ends - 'Fair enough' I thought, 'Probably won't happen to me though because I'm familiar with the more traditional worship style and I left all that behind years ago.'

Little did I know how much it was going to hit me!! Now I'm reconnected with the better side of my traditional past as well as enjoying more contemporary worship styles. Each church feeds and grows different parts of me, and I hope I make a worthwhile contribution to each place in return.

The contrast was brought into very sharp focus this evening as I went straight from a service at the ex-placement church to one at my 'home' church. Some three and a half hours of liturgy ranging from BCP to something resembling but not exactly Common Worship and music from old school choral to Chris Tomlin - that really has an impact!

But how I loved it all from start to finish too.

Somewhere during that time I also began to understand something I'd read earlier by Thomas Merton:

'I say YES to all the men and women who are my brothers and sisters in the world, but for this "yes" to be an assent of freedom and not of subjection, I must live so that no one of them may seem to belong to me, and that I may not belong to any of them. It is because I want to be more to them than a friend that I become, to all of them, a stranger.'

Liberating paradox again! To truly belong, we stop seeking to belong.

'These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland.' Hebrews 11:13-14

Miserere mei Deus

Generous in love — God, give grace! Huge in mercy — wipe out my bad record.
Scrub away my guilt,soak out my sins in your laundry.
I know how bad I've been; my sins are staring me down.

You're the One I've violated, and you've seen
it all, seen the full extent of my evil.
You have all the facts before you;
whatever you decide about me is fair.
I've been out of step with you for a long time,
in the wrong since before I was born.
What you're after is truth from the inside out.
Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.

God, make a fresh start in me,
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
Don't throw me out with the trash,
or fail to breathe holiness in me.
Bring me back from gray exile,
put a fresh wind in my sails!

Going through the motions doesn't please you,
a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship
when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don't for a moment escape God's notice.

Psalm 51:1-6, 10-12, 16-17 (The Message)

Food for thought about cancer?

In the UK it has been reported that around four in ten people are now likely to be diagnosed with cancer. All the 'usual suspects' for this increase have been proposed - lifestyle habits, poor diet, alcohol, stress, lack of exercise, smoking as well as all the additives in our over-processed, genetically modified, steroid stuffed food.

True, all these factors will have some bearing on the figures. I'm not an expert on this but I have a theory about something else too - still related to the food we eat but perhaps not talked about as much in the public domain. Not an additive, not a treatment or modification to foodstuffs, but something which occurs naturally in various forms - mycotoxins.

Although mycotoxin levels in foodstuffs are strictly monitored, I sometimes wonder whether current large scale crop farming methods are encouraging a proliferation of the moulds which produce these toxins to such an extent that by the time the produce enters the food chain, the actual mycotoxin levels may be higher than when the produce was last sampled for analysis. This might be especially so if the harvest has been stored in mould-enhancing conditions i.e. warm and humid; but also, mass-produced crops are now often stockpiled in silos, barns, warehouses etc for extended periods of time before they are used - even under perfect storage conditions, what effect does this long term storage have on the mycotoxin levels?

I usually end my posts with a verse or two from Scripture. You might think I'd struggle to find something for this one, but not so! There is a scientific understanding of the progression of the ten plagues which struck Egypt as recorded in the Book of Exodus. After the locusts came and ate all the crops in the fields, followed by an ash cloud caused by a major volcanic eruption which would have ruined the next harvest, the Egyptians had to break into their underground grain stores. This task was usually carried out by the firstborn - who would have inhaled fatal quantities of the mycotoxin producing spores.

In more recent history, maybe exposure to mycotoxin producing spores was the 'Curse of the Pharaohs' after all?

"Now it came about at midnight that the LORD struck all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh who sat on his throne to the firstborn of the captive who was in the dungeon, and all the firstborn of cattle. Pharaoh arose in the night, he and all his servants and all the Egyptians, and there was a great cry in Egypt, for there was no home where there was not someone dead."
Exodus 12:29-30

Homesickness

Sometimes I'm very aware that I don't belong here, but this is where I must stay for now, often a stranger to myself, to the people I meet and the places I inhabit.

But I'm not going anywhere else until what I was sent to do has been done.

"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labour for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account."
Philippians 1:21-24

If Jesus showed up today

Would anyone notice?



"Jerusalem, Jerusalem, who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were unwilling. Behold, your house is being left to you desolate! For I say to you, from now on you will not see Me until you say, ‘BLESSED IS HE WHO COMES IN THE NAME OF THE LORD!’" Matthew 23:37-39

Something different

Are you there God?

Are you really there, I sometimes wonder.
Or am I just talking to myself, shouting into empty space?

And when I heard You speak, was it really You?
Or was the voice I heard a figment of my imagination? My own ego self-talking?

Maybe I'm mentally ill?

People have been locked up, drugged up and had their brains fried for admitting to hearing voices...

My human side doesn't know for certain any more, but deep within my spirit, somewhere at the core of my being, I do know.

I wish the two could agree once more - so that I could be a whole person again.

I'm too tired,
HOW LONG O LORD??!!
And yet I still trust that all shall be well.

And for now I pray the prayers of Peter the coward, Thomas the doubter, Judas the betrayer and John the lover.

Help my unbelief.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12

An angry, misogynistic churches best kept secret...

 

Ok, for the last couple of months, I've been reading about Julian of Norwich and her writings. Julian was an anchoress (someone who lived alone in a small room attached to a parish church - once they were in, they were in for life, literally!) who lived at the turn of the 14th and 15th centuries.

She seems to achieved great renown in her day, but then, following her death, there were six centuries of silence.

Now I'm not one for conspiracy theories (I don't believe them without good reason at least) but this 600 year departure/absence of Julian from history seems to have had an uncanny coincidence with the time during which the late medieval and then the Reformation movement coupled with a Roman Catholic church in turmoil were struggling to keep their sheep under control and faithful to the cause.

What better way than to tell them that God was really, really angry with them - and even though Jesus had paid for their sins on the cross, there was still every chance that God might still be angry with them - either because no matter how good they were, they still weren't good enough, or even worse, God had had them marked out for damnation before they were even born and thus they might still be rewarded with an eternity in the blazing fires of Hell?  However, if they kept coming to Church, buying Masses and Indulgences, paying tithes and  remained obedient to the clergy, there might still be a chance to escape the flames.

Julian was a bit of a 'fly in the ointment' here, because she stated that God isn't actually angry - not with anyone, rather, the anger we imagine He has is only a projection of the anger we have within ourselves...

That is liberating stuff - all the faithful needed to to was stop being angry with themselves for their wrongdoings - to forgive themselves. Here's some of what she wrote:

"Suddenly is the soul oned to God when it is truly peaced in itself: for in Him is found no wrath. And thus I saw when we are all in peace and in love, we find no contrariness, nor no manner of letting through that contrariness which is now in us."

"There is no wrath in God….It is the most impossible thing that can be that God would be angry, for wrath and friendship are two opposites."

Liberating as it was for those who understood the implications, this would have been downright dangerous for the church of its assorted colours - because to keep power, they needed finance, and to generate finance they needed the people...

Then there was the age old problem of women! Dodgy characters (unless they went into a convent where they might perchance redeem themselves!), yep, it was all womens' fault, ever since Eve and the Garden of Eden incident! Ever since then, they'd been wicked temptresses waiting to lure poor, unsuspecting men into Hell. Women didn't have souls so they'd have a really hard time getting into Heaven... that's enough of that!

Julian dared to suggest that God - that great male figurehead and model of perfection we all aim for might have an element of the feminine - WHAT??!! I suspect that, had she not been an anchoress - effectively already dead and buried in this world - she might well have been burned at the stake for entertaining such thoughts.

"Thus in our creation, God All Power is our natural Father, and God All Wisdom is our natural Mother, with the Love and the Goodness of the Holy Spirit — who is all one God, one Lord."

"This fair lovely word 'mother' is so sweet and so kind in itself, that it can not truly be said of anyone nor to anyone except of Him and to Him who is true Mother of life and of all. To the quality of motherhood belongs natural love, wisdom, and knowledge — and this is God…"

For a patriarchal Church consisting of a male hierarchy fighting amongst themselves for power, suggesting that women might also have been created in God's image and therefore giving them equal status in God's eyes was truly dangerous territory. What if those pesky women started thinking they too could achieve high status in the world - and, horror - in the Church?! The women must be kept in their rightful place, at the bottom of the pile...

There followed 600 years of silence...
I wonder why?