Relentless Living (and dying?!)

I was licensed as a Reader on Sunday - an incredible experience which will stay with me always. It was in one sense an ending - the end of my 'formal' training for the ministry but this seems to have been overshadowed by a much larger image of beginning.

Now begins even more training, both academic and in 'hands-on' ministry. I'm not going to be doing much other than I was already doing before but here's the odd thing - I suddenly have that feeling once more of not knowing where I'm headed! I get the sense that there's more in store than I originally bargained for when I began my training.

And now the wise words of my tutor make full sense - if I should ever say I'm ready for ministry, then is the time to give it up...

I guess I'll just have to throw myself once more into God's hands - as if I could ever escape them! The following prayer by Michel Quoist is close to where I'm at.

Help me to say “Yes”

I am afraid of saying “Yes,” Lord.
Where will you take me?
I am afraid of drawing the longer straw,
I am afraid of signing my name to an unread agreement,
I am afraid of the “yes” that entails other “yeses.”
And yet I am not at peace.

You pursue me, Lord, you besiege me.
I seek out the din for fear of hearing you,
but in a moment of silence you slip through.
I turn from the road, for I have caught sight of you,
but at the end of the path you are there awaiting me.

Where shall I hide?
I meet you everywhere.
Is it then impossible to escape you?

But I am afraid to say “Yes,” Lord.
I am afraid of putting my hand in yours, for you hold on to it.
I am afraid of meeting your eyes, for you can win me.
I am afraid of your demands, for you are a jealous God.

I am hemmed in, yet I hide.
I am captured, yet I struggle, and I fight knowing that I am defeated.
For you are the stronger, Lord,
you own the world and you take it from me.

When I stretch out my hand to catch hold of people and things,
they vanish before my eyes.

It’s no fun, Lord,
I can’t keep anything for myself.
The flower I pick fades in my hands.
My laugh freezes on my lips.
The waltz I dance leaves me restless and uneasy.

Everything seems empty,
Everything seems hollow,
You have made a desert around me.
I am hungry and thirsty,
And the whole world cannot satisfy me.

O Lord, I am afraid of your demands,
but who can resist you?
That your Kingdom may come and not mine,
That your will may be done and not mine,
Help me to say “Yes.”

'But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.' 2 Corinthians 12:9